Ten Things You Can't Hate About Italy

The Italian Riviera

OK—I have it all figured out. After some close scrutinization of the jet setty folk on the Italian Riviera, I now know ALL THE STUFF you need to have in order to fit in right.

The Tan
The Tan that needs acquiring here does NOT come in shades like Sun-kissed Glow or Bronzage Go Lightly. Those just don’t make the cut. Here you need to be tanned to within an inch of your life—probably quite literally. You’re after the Charred Mahogany hue since this is the one that best sets off the white linen shifts and the bold gold jewelry. As far as I can tell, there are two ways to acquire the right colour: mind-numbing hours on the beach OR threading oneself on a skewer and lying atop the barbecue coals, turning every four hours.

The Yacht
You need one of these to tie up at a picturesque harbour towns like Porto Santo Stefano.



Then the Unwashed Throngs can pass by your craft and marvel at your wealth, admire the fine teak furnishings and see your staff, in matchy nautical golf shirts, smoking haughtily while you’re in town buying more expensive trinkets.

It doesn’t matter if your craft is a sleek racy one or a regal sailing one ...



but it has to be BIG. More people seem to take pictures of the sailing ones, just fyi. Here’s an ad for one that is for sale right now. Note the zeros. Note the euro exchange.



The Villa on the Hilla
You absolutely need one of these...



and it has to be well appointed with a killer view...



and it should have at least a couple of accoutrementis so you can entertain Ange, Brad and the fam should they drop by...




OH-and it probably helps if you have someone to pay for it all so you don’t have to lie awake at night and worry about stuff like debt.

And it may help if that someone isn’t an old rich auntie...
and looks something like this.

Ten Things You Can't Hate About Italy

Days of our Lives-Tuscan Style

In case anyone is sitting around wondering how our days unfold, here’s how in a nutshell:

Once we awaken, we look out our window...




and may go for a cool swim or just have an espresso at our table on the patio. There we contemplate morning light, listen to the roosters crowing and the sheep bells jangling and consider making The Plan.

The Plan generally revolves around a half-day activity and can get off to a slow start by merely going up into the village and having a cappuccino at Smiling Davide’s little bar. Our sis Nicky sometimes meets us there underneath the hundred year old wisteria that covers the patio.

From there we go on an excursion. We sometimes take our little rented Fiat
or Nicky’s black Porche.



(OK OK I lied... we set that photo up)

We then head out to see:

the ruins left behind by the Etruscans and Romans all over the hillsides here. There are whole village outlines, stone walls and mosaic-ed baths, tombs and old stone roadways OR...

the pretty fortressed villages of the area with names like Roccastrada and Montemassie that are charmingly picturesque, very tidy and devoid of people because the smart locals don’t do stupid things like walk around outside in 39 degrees.







Some days we take in a market in a neighbouring town like Castaglioni where you can buy...



beautiful salamis flavoured with fennel...



cheeses of all kinds, many of which you eat with a bit of honey on the side...



all sorts of salty dead fishies in tins...



as well as just about anything else.

We have also accompanied Nicky on her rounds as she works to look after the properties of owners who may be away. This includes their homes, pools, livestock, gardens, dogs, horses—and entire olive groves. Nicky can prune 40 olive trees in a morning and wears hard-toed boots to keep the vipers away. She is small and mighty and never ceases to amaze. She needs an epi-pen badly.

Ten Things You Can't Hate About Italy

Imports like Mika

Once you meet Mika, the German owner of our villa, it’s hard not to feel totally inadequate. Here’s why:

a)Mika is a Mensa—there are only 300 Germans with the same scary IQ
b)Mika is an astrophysicist, a former Quantas airline pilot and has had successful entrepreneurial forays into construction. He also had the first hang-gliding school in Bavaria, is a connoisseur of the arts, history, music and of all things culinary. He speaks multiple languages fluently and listens to Italian opera while he cooks. But wait. It gets worse.

Six years ago, Mika traded in life in the fast lane in Germany for country living in Tuscany.

He built this villa with his own hands, using traditional Tuscan methods and materials...



and surrounded the place with flagstone patios, pebbled walkways and picturesque gardens filled with aromatic herbs such as rosemary and sage...




pink and white oleander, as well as potted lemon trees and yellow roses.

Irritatingly, he also happens to be a gourmet cook. And, when he isn’t producing his own organic wine, olive oil and honey from his own vineyards, groves and hives, he sun dries his own tomatoes under the Tuscan sun



and harvests his garden, hanging things picturesquely around the porch rafters.



He has a lovely and very large white dog called Jana (of an exquisite Italian working breed called the Maremma) and a small herd of sheep that bleat and follow him around with their bells clanging.

Ten Things You Can't Hate About Italy

The Rich History of the Medicis

When the powerful Medicis weren’t patronizing the arts, they sprinted about their Renaissance gardens...



admired the views from the patio...



bathed in immense outdoor bath tubs...



grew lemons in large pots...



and built scary bird baths.



This of course was back in the day when everyone had wings...



and unusual genitalia.

Ten Things You Can't Hate About Italy

Schlepping off to Cooking School

Meet Fabrizio...



and Lorenzio.




Both are Florentine chefs and both teach at the Tavola cooking school in Florence...



in this kitchen.

The school is on a tiny side street the south side of the Arno and operates as a professional cooking school in the day. At night it offers cooking classes for tourists interested in Italian cuisine.

I signed up for a Friday night session offering the following:
One Tuscan appetizer, two main courses, and one dessert.

Our group of 12 was aproned up and set to work within minutes. We had a lot to do in four hours. Fabrizio and Lorenzio are VERY serious about food.

Here’s what we made:

Panna Cotta: pretty straightforward and much like crème caramel—without the caramel.

Crespelle: not so straightforward. Fabrizio goes a little crazy on the crepes and if you have browned edges, holes or the wrong colour, you’re gonna hear about it.

Fortunately this crepe...



was NOT MINE because when Fabrizio saw it he emitted little shrieks of horror—and tossed it in the garbagio. Fabrizio wants your crepes very pale, perfectly round and pliable. And he wants you to stuff ‘em (roasted eggplant and ricotta filling) and fold ‘em right....

Souffle Vegetaria: these were a bit complex and had numerous stages to their preparation.



Fabrizio is also pretty fussy about the preesentationne.



Pollo alla Contadina: this delicious chicken dish was done on the stove top with large amounts of butter, olive oil, roasted peppers, onions, balsamic vinegar and rosemary. Fabrizio seasons with salt and pepper very liberally. “Theese eez Italiana cuisina” he shouts while tossing in the handfuls. He also uses entire BRANCHES of rosemary.



After four hours of sweating in the kitchen in our aprons, we had the opportunity to taste the fruits of our labours in a delightful meal in the school’s wine cellar. Bellisima!

Ten Things You Can't Hate About Italy

They're Good at Lookin' Good

There’s little doubt that the Italians have been doing a lot of things right for a very long time. They know, for example, how to make splendour look stunning even when faded by seven hundred years….



They also know how to create charming balconies…



and the most picture-perfect river scenes.



They pull off all the right accessories, with a special flair for door panels...



street-corner wall fountains...



lanterns...




and whimsical knockers.



They give whole new meaning to making a grand entrance…



and to gated communities...



and pick their colours well.




Even motherhood looks particularly good on them.

Ten Things You Can't Hate About Italy

Men of Florence

Ah yes, the menfolk are alive and well endowed here. In true Italian form, they can be found leering on the streets, loitering in the piazzas and even hanging around in the fountains. When they aren’t just gazing disdainfully down their Roman noses at everyone...



they engage in manly things like severing heads...




smiting foes with clubs...




and killing off the few remaining goat-people.




Of course they have truly impressive features. With seventeen feet (relax girls, that’s their height, not their thingamajigs) of statuesque marbleness, it’s not always clear where to look—or, er, how to look like you’re not looking when you really ARE looking. Luckily I’m a fast learner and use the following techniques for maximum discretion:

a) wear large sunglasses
b) put the honker zoom lense on the camera
c) pretend I’m an art critic and scribble madly while apraising David

Some of the most attractive Italian men are the small ones and can be found eating gelato on the street…



while others energetically fix things.