Monday, August 31, 2009

Ten Things You Can't Hate About Italy

The Italian Riviera

OK—I have it all figured out. After some close scrutinization of the jet setty folk on the Italian Riviera, I now know ALL THE STUFF you need to have in order to fit in right.

The Tan
The Tan that needs acquiring here does NOT come in shades like Sun-kissed Glow or Bronzage Go Lightly. Those just don’t make the cut. Here you need to be tanned to within an inch of your life—probably quite literally. You’re after the Charred Mahogany hue since this is the one that best sets off the white linen shifts and the bold gold jewelry. As far as I can tell, there are two ways to acquire the right colour: mind-numbing hours on the beach OR threading oneself on a skewer and lying atop the barbecue coals, turning every four hours.

The Yacht
You need one of these to tie up at a picturesque harbour towns like Porto Santo Stefano.

Then the Unwashed Throngs can pass by your craft and marvel at your wealth, admire the fine teak furnishings and see your staff, in matchy nautical golf shirts, smoking haughtily while you’re in town buying more expensive trinkets.

It doesn’t matter if your craft is a sleek racy one or a regal sailing one ...

but it has to be BIG. More people seem to take pictures of the sailing ones, just fyi. Here’s an ad for one that is for sale right now. Note the zeros. Note the euro exchange.

The Villa on the Hilla
You absolutely need one of these...

and it has to be well appointed with a killer view...

and it should have at least a couple of accoutrementis so you can entertain Ange, Brad and the fam should they drop by...

OH-and it probably helps if you have someone to pay for it all so you don’t have to lie awake at night and worry about stuff like debt.

And it may help if that someone isn’t an old rich auntie...
and looks something like this.